Diamond Wars

Jewelers are not a girl’s best friend

No shots have been fired so it’s more of a cold war. Considering that diamonds are nicknamed ice makes it all the colder.

It’s a radio war between two non-self-respecting jewelers and the volume of ads leads me to believe there’s a lot of money in diamonds.

The jeweler who wants to be “your jeweler” started it. So when the second jeweler stepped on to the airwaves, I cheered loudly.

Jeweler 1 said words like “Shazam!” and talked about how we can trust him – he’s a friend.  He was an incessant promoter, and outside the occasional mall jeweler, the only diamond voice on the air. He stepped over the line of propriety with his homeyness, like the Hallmark Channel of diamond pushers. I couldn’t take it! I often changed the station when he was on air.

Jeweler 2 was quirky but went straight after Jeweler 1’s gimmick diamonds and weird fairy tales and poetry. There was a “game on” moment when Jeweler 2 talked about his GIA certified diamonds.

The war was on! Both sides went at it, calling the other a fake and a liar with cheesy poetry and cheerful lullabys. Read between the lines, if you have any sophistication, and they despise each other and want to bring hell and fury on the other’s head. But warning, a smarmy nursery rhyme full of passive aggressive venom could break out any time.

It’s all exhausting! No longer is Jeweler 2 the knight in shining armor. He fought fire with too much fire, and in the case of these jewelers, their fire is schmaltz, insulting sentimentality, and unceasing desire to be liked.

Profiteers from war? Friendly jewelers? I’m skeptical enough to think it’s


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