30 Day Ukulele Challenge

I got a ukulele for Christmas this year. Typical for me, I’ve been interested in learning the ukulele or the mandolin for a long time but didn’t act. But getting to play my friend’s uke this summer, got me hooked. It is quirky and lively like I dreamed, so I put it on my Christmas list.

I took the route of the same friend and began the YouTube 30 Day Ukulele Challenge from Bernadette Teaches Music.

I didn’t know where to begin but Bernadette does. On Day 1 we learn the parts of the ukulele and things we’ll need for the course. We are given a to do list, a guide to practice, and how to build the habit. Best, we’re given access to the .pdf to print out all the “study guides” for each day. Bernadette tells us about herself too. She comes right out of the gate as user friendly! The bonus video tells me how to tune my uke about which I’ve had some trepidation With a digital tuner, it’s easy peasy. At least a lot easier than trying to tune my son’s old cello.

After spending Day 2 learning how to hold the ukulele I was happy to make a little noise on Day 3 where I was taught the chromatic scale C to C going up and down. I did make a little noise or a lot of noise depending on how close you were to my noise. Off and running!

How to read chord charts and tab? You’ll find out on Day 4, in case you were wondering. I’d heard of chords charts from the two years in 7th and 8th grade when I learned acoustic guitar. Now I know tabs. Are you curious?

Day 5 is a focus on getting a clean clear sound from our strum. In other words, making the uke sound good. We strummed Row Your Boat on the C chord. Unfortunately, I trimmed the index finger and thumb on my strumming’ hand. My uke ain’t sounding so good. Homework: practice the C, Cmaj7, and Am chords.

One-finger chords, or the easy chords, are undemanding but I’m finding it hard to move from one chord to the next. It’s awkward but it’s only Day 6. In the printouts there are flashcards to cut out to practice these chords: A, Am, Am7, C, Cmaj7, C7, and F.

Days 7 and 8 went well together because one was easy and the other got challenging. We practiced form and positioning on two-finger chords by playing the F and the A. But the next day was our first song and first switching chords. No it wasn’t Hot Cross Buns but right up there on the simple scale was Mary Had a Little Lamb. Scoff if you want, but there is technique to be mastered in chord switching and ya gotta start somewhere!

I’m filled with anxiety looking at the printout for Day 9: playing three-finger chords. She gives us 7(!!) three-finger chords to learn. I’m not thinking I can do it but I’m also thinking that this course will get harder so just learn it.

On Day 10 (one-third through) we’re learning a song with easier chords than the previous day but there’s three of them. But the song, You Are My Sunshine, can’t be a more benign, friendly song that you don’t realize that you have to progress to G7 (a 3-finger jobbie). That won’t take anyone’s sunshine away!

Come at me, Day 11, I can switch chords clumsily and slowly. But I’m doing it! So learning to “strum with style” was nuttin’. The funnest strums were the slap/up and slap/down. Slapping is fun.

Mary Had a Little Lamb returns on Day 12. We ain’t strumming today though yesterday we strummed and slapped the heck out of our ukes. Today we’re plucking the notes instead of strumming the chords. We learn to read tab which is like the training wheels of reading notes. Bernadette assumes you know the notes for treble clef, which I do. Every Good Boy Does Fine and F-A-C-E Spells Face. Our homework is to make each note have a clear tone.

I had a breakthrough today which is better than a breakdown. And (Day) 13 is supposed to be unlucky! Bernadette taught us a strum sequence to play with Twinkle Twinkle. The breakthrough wasn’t with the strumming but feeling a lot less awkward with chord progression. In other words, my fret hand was smooth. I still gotta practice that D DU strum pattern.

Today I learned to chuck! Oh, that’s just ukulele jingo for a strum pattern where you rotate your wrist quickly and use the back of you thumb to stop the vibration of the strings. The chuck gives the strum a percussive sound like a snare drum. Who knew all the great sounds I could make on Day 14.

Chucking was a cinch compared to Day 15‘s challenge: playing the song Imagine. I’m not a big fan of the song being more of a Twinkle, Twinkle or You Are My Sunshine kind of girl. But it’s cool reaching out beyond the 3 or 4 main chords and also learning some chord changes that will require some practice.

Happy Birthday! Not me but I’m learning the song. Something practical. Something fun. I’ll use it. Once I memorize it. It’s a tab or plucking song and since it’s Day 16 she threw in the term fermata. Ooh la la!

Day 17 should be called the Ides of Uke Challenge for its tips on how to play some of the hardest three-finger chords. She gives at least 4 ways to play the very difficult D chord. I’m more confused than ever. Beware the Ides – someone’s going to get hurt.

Beethoven, baby! We learned the tab play or plucking version of Ode to Joy. I was happy to see her add saying the notes we’re playing not just the tab. Tab seems like the training wheels. When practicing, I played Ode to Joy better than Happy Birthday. Twinkle Twinkle is coming along pretty good.

We’re getting a little music theory on Day 19. We learned the notes of the C major scale and how it relates to the C major chord. A chord has four notes, and the notes on the C major chord are the first, third, and fifth notes on the C major scale. Same rule applies to other scales. But it’s too heady for me to think about now.

What better way to celebrate being two-thirds done with this course than with some styling. Bernadette taught us the PIMA pattern. Thumb or Pulgar down on G string, Indice or index strums up on the C string, up with Medio or middle finger on E string, and up again with the Anular or ring finger on the A string. P-I-M-A. And the picking is done over the sound hole. Yes, I remember that term from the first day. This whole ukulele thing is going to require a lot of small muscle coordination and I’m better at the large muscle coordination. Chucking is easier, for sure.

Day 21 and my filing system is useless and my desk where I watch the YouTube videos hosts an assortment of the printouts and none of them are in order. It’s sorta chaotic and I can find things because there are only 21 sheets and I don’t really use the ones from the first 4-5 days. After this lesson, I’ll straighten things up. Or I’ll chuck! We learned six strumming patterns which consist of patterns of down and up strums, you know, as advertised. It doesn’t sound hard but it’s easy for me to get off beat when changing chords. We learned these strums: down, ballad, mariachi, island, Bernie, and Riptide. Party on!

Bernadette makes it looks easy. I know that but after watching and practicing Day 22‘s video of learning Have You Ever Seen The Rain, I said to myself, “You don’t get it!” So I watched it a second time. Now I can proudly say, “I kinda get it.”

half barre

On Day 23 ever the easy lessons are challenging. We learned how tho play the half barre chords, where one of your fingers holds down two strings on the same fret and your middle and ring fingers have to maneuver (awkwardly) to press strings on other frets. Did I say awkward? Phew! But I did learn some music theory along the way. The half barre C major chord follows the chromatic scale and if you move all your fingers one fret towards the sound hole, voila! you’re playing the C sharp chord, then the D chord, etc.

Sometimes I look at the printout for the upcoming day before I watch the video to see what I’ll be learning and Day 24 says Music Theory – Roman Numerals. I enter the video mildly freaked out. Some singers or musicians say they want to sing the song in the key of C because it’s better for their voice. If the song is in the key of G, the musicians will have to transpose the chord progression so the remaining chords in the song are aligned. Our homework is to transpose Mary Had a Little Lamb which is on the key of F and has the progression of the first and fifth chords (I and V in Roman Numerals). I sort of get it, and I’ll leave it at that.

Challenges have to be fun sometimes too. That’s what learning Stand by Me was today. It’s Day 25 and apparently I’ve learned enough to play this song. And I admit that after practicing a few times it sounds pretty good. Not ready to go on the road yet, but it sounds like a song.

Five days left! I can do this! Day 26 should have the warning of music theory because she’s trying to get music theory into us by teaching us how to pay the major scales on the finger scale. We start with C of course. On the tab it’s training wheels. I’d no doubt be as successful playing the notes. Maybe someday…

Day 27: 20 of our favorite chords which when learned will allow us to play almost any song. Some are easy, and I already know them. Others are going to take a lot of practice and contortion.

I feel like I’m in the home stretch, Day 28 out of 30. Nine-tenths done. The promise of learning Somewhere Over the Rainbow looming greatly. I may be ready. It depends on the chords I’ll need, the strumming pattern, and whether to chuck or not. The video was helpful. Bernadette explained four chords that are most commonly used (phew, cuz I know them well), and the progressions used, and the songs that use these progressions. The C – G – Am – F progression allows you to play Don’t Stop Believing and Can You Feel the Love Tonight. With C- Am – F – G progression I can play Every Breath You Take and Baby by Justin Beiber. I have to practice moving more smoothly to the G chord.

Today was super fun and I felt mildly successful playing Billy Joel’s Piano Man. Well, it is Day 29 so I should know a thing or two. But there are a lot of switches to G chord which is reliably a challenge. We’re playing this song one three beats instead of four. I went to the ultimate-guitar-tab site to get the chords for the whole long song. It’s really fun! If we don’t want to tackle the song yet, practice switching chords on three beats. I’ll do both!

Drum roll….

Day 30!!! And I don’t think three explanation marks are overdone. It’s the stuff dreams are made of! It’s the big dance number! And we are learning the ultimate ukulele (ooh-koo-lay-lay) song: Somewhere Over the Rainbow by IZ. Warm up your “Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-oohs,” it’s coming. If I can learn these chords and the progressions and the island strum pattern. And as this challenge has progressed, the daily printouts are taking over my desk so maybe I’ll be playing Somewhere Under My Desktop.

I found a chord more challenging than the G: the Em chord. Actually the G isn’t hard to play, it’s hard to switch to from 2-finger chords. But it’s difficult for my fingers to get to the Em and more difficult to make it sound good. But this song is within reach with lots of practice, and that’s encouraging.

Well my ukulele journey has begun and my 30-day challenge has ended. This has been a great foundation. It’s all up to me now, to practice and study and watch more videos. I really recommend this option for beginners. I’ll try to keep my nails in ukulele mode. I’ll try to practice something everyday. I’ll try to play Happy Birthday with zero mistakes. And I’ll try not to sound too pretentious by overusing the Hawaiian pronunciation of ukulele.

Exploration, Endurance and Earworms: Music of the ’70s

If I were a sculptor, but then again, no.”

Your Song (Elton John, Bernie Taupin)

Racing through the decades with phenomenal staying power, the music of the 1970s had a lot of innovation and heaps of songs, melodies and lyrics, that refuse to leave your head.

I like to say that the ‘60s are blur, man. I was 5 when the ’70s began and 15 when they ended. I heard a lot of music in those years. Watched a lot of TV. To me the 1970s have clear lines and vivid images. It was a colorful, noisy, almost experimental decade. And hard to define.

Your Song is melodious and lyrical. “If I were a sculptor, but then again, no” leaves you a little anxious with its hesitation. What caused the acute change of attitude about the art of sculpting? Maybe knowing his gift was his song was good enough for him. But why bring it up? That’s symptomatic of the 1970s.

Can we speak about the pompitous of love? Steve Miller Band did. They made up the phrase. We don’t know what pompitous means but it has the right number of syllables to make the lyric fit the melody. And that’s ok; I’m not sure if it’s spelled pompitous or pompatus. For the guy sometimes called Maurice, the song sorta defines pompitous: the act or state of being a joker and smoker and a gangster of love. Or the pompitous of love is whatever you want it to be. Kinda like the ’70s and its music, if you can define a decade by its lyrics,

People in the ‘70s spent an inordinate amount of time getting down. Merriam Webster makes you search all the way to definition 3b for something close to what they were singing about: to perform music or dance effectively and infectiously; to have a good time partying.

But let’s pass on Merriam Webster. To me getting down is an undefined term meaning something fun and not illegal and maybe something you’re glad happened in 1975 so it didn’t go viral. Tens if not hundreds of songs with the lyrics about getting down were played in the ‘70s, some by black artists and some by white. If you were lucky, you were getting down with a brick house or bad mama jama or your own bad self.

People really moved and grooved in the Seventies with space cowboys, disco ducks, love machines, or at a roller skating rink with your mood ring. They were funky too. In Funky Town, in Funky Nassau, with Con Funk Shun or in Funkadelic’s One Nation Under Groove.

Getting down and getting a-funky have some depth and soulfulness. My sisters didn’t miss Soul Train or American Bandstand on Saturdays and the visual of them getting down in our living room in front of the television is one of those vibrant memories I have of the ’70s.

But along with soul, funk, and rock this decade gave us Muskrat Suzy and Muskrat Sam (not getting down) doing the jitterbug in Muskrat Land. And never before in America did a guy need to pronounce “I’m your boogie man, that’s what I am.” Never before did people wonder what to do if there was a bustle in their hedgerows. Should they be alarmed now?

In the Seventies, some artists were creating their best sounds: Eagles, Doobie Bros, ZZ Top, Steely Dan, Jackson 5, AC/DC, Aerosmith, Queen, The Who, Elton John, Fleetwood Mac, and Led Zeppelin. And lots, lots more. But other artists fell into the folly of this decade. In 1972 one of the icons of cool, a member of the legendary Rat Pack, released the Candy Man. Sammy Davis Jr. sang: “Who can take the rainbow? Wrap it in a sigh. Soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie. Was he broke? Temporarily insane? And what was Glen Campbell thinking? This powerhouse of music and lyrics sang he was “like a rhinestone cowboy, riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo; like a rhinestone cowboy, getting cards and letters from people I don’t even know and offers comin’ over the phone.” Paul Anka, heartthrob song writer and performer of the previous decades, stumbled in the ’70s with a really bad song that endures today as a really bad song. In Having My Baby, he sings, “The need inside you, I see it showin’. Whoa, the seed inside ya.” Hardly poetic. I blame the Seventies.

The argument is easily made that the best music, rock, pop, country, R & B, came from the Seventies. The hair and clothing styles were a colorful mess so maybe all the creativity went into the music. It‘s subjective in any case, but probably true. The songs are as vast as Lola and I Am Woman to My Dingaling and 25 or 6 to 4, from You Light Up My Life to the popular theme songs to Welcome Back Kotter and WKRP in Cincinnati that hit the charts. The music is endemic, to use a timely word.

In real time Seventies music and lyrics were part of the whole: clothes and dance and language and colors. As a kid I knew there was something singular about this decade. I’d heard the music my parents listened to in the 1950s; they knew the words to Mr. Sandman and Rosemary Clooney and Nat King Cole songs. I’d heard leftover tunes of the ’60s; and from old movies I’d heard the melodies of the ’30s and ’40s. In the 2020’s the Seventies are now far in the review mirror; but the music has unbelievable durability.

1970 began with the tragic deaths of Janis Joplin and Jimmi Hendrix. Jim Croce died in 1973 and Mama Cass followed in 1974. Disco thrived. Progressive rock and album rock flourished. We knew Lynyrd Skynyrd and Aerosmith, Gloria Gaynor, Earth, Wind & Fire and Donna Summer. Blues Brothers debuted and Sha Na Na was a hit. There was C.W. McCall’s Convoy which you could take en route to the Disco Demolition in Chicago.

Popular songs of the Seventies: most people can at least sing a chorus or two

The 1970s were not the Golden Age of Radio but Casey Kasem’s America’s Top 40 debuted on July 4, 1970. You could also listen to Dr. Demento, and King Biscuit Flower Hour. Television series Don Kirschner’s Rock Concert and Austin City Limits started in this decade.

A spiritual awakening arose with 1970’s Jesus Christ Superstar, which started as a concept album that moved to Broadway in 1971 and movie theaters in 1973. Godspell, another modern musical telling of the Gospels, opened in 1971 as a play and was made into a movie in 1973. The lay teachers at my Catholic grade school loved these hip, musical songs in contrast to the nuns with pitch pipes leading us in the hits of the Catholic hymnal. There was also Jesus is Just Alright by the Doobie Brothers in 1972 and My Sweet Lord by George Harrison in 1971.

“Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me. Twice on the pipes, if the answer is no” was probably the best rollerskating song. If far surpassed the lame Downtown. Downtown was from the Sixties anyway.

Feast on lyrics no other decade could give you: Billy, don’t be a hero and to be a fool with your life. Billy, don’t be a hero, come back and make me your wife. <>I’ve been to the desert on a horse with no name. It felt good to be out of the rain. <>My name is Michael. I’ve got a nickel. I’ve got a nickel shiny and new. I’m going to buy me all kinds of candy. That’s what I’m going to do. <>I was born in the backseat of a Greyhound bus, rolling down Highway 41. <>Sing of good things, not bad. Sing of happy, not sad.

Barry Manilow did most of his damage in the ’70s as well as the Carpenters and Bread. I say “blah” to all to them. The Seventies brought us Feelings, whoa, whoa, whoa, feelings. Star rockets in flight! Afternoon delight! And fittingly the decade ended on Rupert Holmes’ Escape widely known as the Pina Colado song. Every one knows the chorus but what about these poignant lyrics: “I didn’t think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean. But me and my old lady had fallen into the same old dull routine.”

If your local classic rock station ever does a deep dive on any year that starts with 197-, tune in. You’ll appreciate how well these songs hold up, the incredible variety, and how these songs are part of the fabric. And at least one of the songs will stick in your head for a few hours.


A Geothermal Playground with a Side of Bison

Our visit to Yellowstone National Park, and why did it take us so long to go

We left the balmy, green and lush Upper Midwest nestled on the shores of Lake Michigan, one heck of a Great Lake. The humidity level in September averages around 70 percent. The landscape of our starting point is mostly flat but there are valleys where rivers empty into the lake and kettle moraines where the glaciers played havoc millions of years ago.

After a year of lockdowns and cancellations, a change of scenery was a balm. A trip to the vast, ancient lands of the western US appealed to us – a place that stood before this bout of human suffering and cannot be canceled, mitigated, or sheltered in place.

We headed west on I-90 which brought us through Minnesota which is lovely near the Mississippi River, has rolling green farmland through the middle but the western portion starts foreshadowing what is to come: the Great Plains.

The Great Plains come at you hard in South Dakota, right up in your grill. It’s kind of interesting at first, the nothingness, the lack of trees and increasingly the vast lack of greenness.

Those in the Louis and Clark expiation experienced the same shock. Legend goes that prior to the westward expansion of the US, a squirrel could run atop the trees from the Atlantic coast to the Mississippi River.

The Great Plains are great in the meaning of vast or widespread. I don’t find they fit the meaning of wonderful and awesome. They start giving way to high plains and high plains desert by the time you hit the Badlands, Wall and Rapid City, SD.

The Badlands are otherworldly. They are chalky and craggy and vast. They create a sense of post apocalyptic life. And they are really beautiful. We arrived near sunset and were able to see twilight fall and the sunset spread out. That was a great time to see it. A great chance to stretch our legs, see an interesting scene. It was hardly tedious like the Great Plains had become.

We stayed overnight in Rapid City, SD, a charming little town that had a great pulse. We found a local coffee shop downtown that was lively. Since it’s the closest city to Mt. Rushmore, there are statues of presidents on the street corners downtown. Those presidents not on Mt. Rushmore. And my husband was annoyingly accurate at guessing who the president was before I could read the plaque. I was annoyingly surprised that I was as tall as or taller than many former prezes if the claim to actual size is legitimate.

Mt. Rushmore was half an hour from there. It’s a National Monument; free to visit but parking costs $10. Well worth the money. It captures the psyche of west and the time: this probably can’t be done but let’s try it. It actually is not finished as planned but it’s amazing what engineering and a little dynamite can do. And the ability and fearlessness to do it suspended hundreds of feet off the ground.

We walked along the Presidential Trail which was a great way to see different angles and see the beauty of the mountains. This also gave us a chance to spot and be spotted by other Packers fans. There’s a large gaggle of us around most places as seen by our hats, shirts, hoodies, and now masks.

Rapid City is really close to some beautiful areas of South Dakota. Custer National Park is nearby and the Needles. We didn’t see those this time. Sturgis is nearby and Deadwood. It’s an interesting little oasis. It is also on the western border of the state and Wyoming awaits with its feast or famine vistas.

Our next stop was Cody, Wyoming just outside the East Entrance to Yellowstone. To get there, we parted company with I 90, which proceeded northeast into Montana, and our driving speed was hampered. But the scenery, ooh la la! Or partially ooh la la. The Black Hills and the Big Horn National Forest were spectacular. They are winding and full of trees and there are deep and severe valleys that give you quite a thrill. Sadly the pictures we took there flatten it out and don’t capture the dimensions. That was true of all our pictures of the whole trip. The pictures look good but wow, you should have been there!

Sage brush and cattle ranches become the norm in Wyoming. It was very dry and brown. And open. A “Home, Home on the Range” kinda openness. “Not sure which end is up” kinda openness. When you get off the interstate you lose the ability to drive fast and lose important things like rest stops and road shoulders.

Cody was fantastic! It was the first of our reserved accommodations, and we stayed at Robin’s Nest B & B in a neighborhood just outside the downtown. The innkeepers, who moved there from Texas 19 years ago to start the B & B, were very knowledgeable about the area and the Park. They made reservations for us at the Cody Steakhouse, gave us advice on where to get coffee and a bagged lunch, and sat down with us and our itinerary and told us places that were “must see.” Spoiler alert: They were correct every time.

The promised land

It took 45 minutes to get into the East Entrance. It was exciting to finally make it, and our first sense was the vastness of the park. And you notice the abundance of pull outs, small cutouts or parking lots where you could pull over for a quick photo or longer time to adjust your plans. There are also a lot of picnic areas off the trail with picnic tables, outhouses, and sometimes connections to trails. The road system is impressive.

We planned to stop at the the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone per the suggestion of Bob from the B & B but was saw a lot of cars stopping at the Mud Volcano/Sulphur Caldron area. Because in more than 50 years of life we’ve never encountered a chance to check out either a mud volcano or sulphur caldron. It was our first taste of this thermo playground we drove hundreds of miles to see. It’s doesn’t exactly smell like roses; however it is a lovely freak show of heat and chemicals bubbling from the earth and creating some fascinating colors.

The Grand Canyon brought us the first of many waterfalls. The cauldrons were malodorous so the falls were a pure delight to all senses. We walked on the path between Uncle Tom’s Trails to Artist Point. We still had the thrill of first timers but it did portend more good things to come. The third stop was one many people told us was a must see: Mammoth Hot Springs. We climbed a lot and had the weird phenomenon of having the air get hotter as we ascended. But that’s the thermal dynamic juju going on. The landscape is otherworldly, and this area boasts to be the only area in the park where you can see the landscape change from year to year in the terraces, travertine flats, and sulphur pools. The sulphur smell permeates here, but the unbelievable scenery makes it worth enduring.

We stayed overnight in Gardiner, MT, a small town that seems to be dedicated to the needs of Yellowstone visitors: hotels, restaurants, entertainment venues, coffee shops, laundromats, small grocery shops. We ate dinner at the Rusty Nail in a hotel near us. It was a busy place but the food was good.

The next day, armed with sandwiches and drinks, and dirty chais, we set continued where we left off. But as we headed south, we took a sharp east turn into the Lamar Valley, the bison sighting land of opportunity. Where the bison go the people go, and we experienced a wildlife jam. We also visited the Petrifying Tree, which we called the caged tree since it was off limits to humans. Sadly previous visitors thought the three petrified redwoods would make a great souvenir so they chipped away at them. One tree remains. They’re taking no chances with the rest of us. {Redwoods need a warmer, wetter climate and this volcanic wonderland used to be a lot warmer place.}

After lunch, which was at a picnic table next to the energetic Gardiner River, the Park treated us to more waterfalls, more hiking, our first look at geysers, more sulphur, and the threat of rain, which was really needed. A few hours later rain drenched us as we made our way to Bullwinkle’s Restaurant in West Yellowstone, Mt. The owner is a former Wisconsinite and huge Packers’s fan. We knowingly wore Packers gear which got us noticed and had a great conversation with the owner. She gave us some beverage coozies for our next Lambeau tailgate. She lamented that customers were short tempered and more impatient this summer and fall saying, “They treat us like it’s our fault they’ve been locked down this year.” The food was great and for dessert we had homemade huckleberry cheesecake.

The evening’s rain chased away much of the haziness we’d noticed from West Coast fires as far east as Rapid City, SD. As we entered the park early by 8 a.m., it was so clear and crisp. The landscape appeared to be smoldering from hundreds of extinguished campfires. It was steam. With seams and geysers everywhere, it was extremely visible in the clear, crisp air. And we were heading south toward Old Faithful.

The consistency of Old Faithful is remarkable, you know, thus the name. And it’s really the star of Yellowstone, the main act that keeps bringing the people in decade after decade. Eat your heart out, Wayne Newton (and Homer Simpson)! Approximately every 74 minutes or 20 times a day, yes even in the middle of the night without a single tourist sitting on a bench in the viewing area crowded with people and a few bison, that geyser turbulently ejects its water and steam. The eruptions average 130-140 feet and last between 1.5-5 minutes. Eat your heart out, Dr. Pimple Popper!

The water temperature in Fahrenheit can measure as hot as 204 with the steam 350. After the water fades, there is still considerable steam in the atmosphere. On the lovely fall day we saw Old Faithful made me think about how cool it would be in the winter when the air is colder and the sun hits at its winter angle. It has erupted more than a million times since the park was founded in 1872. That is faithfulness rivaled only by the heavenly realm. Not bad for creation!

For a geyser to form there needs to be volcanic heat, plentiful ground water, and a geologic system or fractures or fissures through which the heated water can escape. Only 1000 geysers exist on Earth and more than half are located in Yellowstone.

If you must move on from geysers, the road from the Old Faithful region south to the end of the park to Grand Teton National Park, is lovely. We encountered more waterfalls, bison, and stunning scenery.

We stayed overnight in Jackson, Wyoming which had great bike trails leading to and from Grand Tetons and toward the ski villages of Jackson Hole. At the Jackson Hole resort we took a gondola up the mountain passing hiking paths and ski runs just waiting for powder. The top of the mountain was breathtaking. and it was bright and fresh and lovely and you wanted to stay and soak it in. But we had to hit the road and head back home.

This is a great trip to take. I’ve visited Rocky Mountain National Park and Smoky Mountain National Park and they are worthy of their national park status. But Yellowstone isn’t just a park in the mountains; it’s a freak show of whatever happens when the things below our feet come in contact with the things above. You don’t often get to experience that. And it is the one place where American bison have roamed uninterrupted since prehistoric times. You are stepping into another world and another time when you enter the gates.

Amen to That

The random arrangement of letters should not give offense

I understand language is fluid and meanings of words change from time to time. That’s a frustrating for sticklers who dislike when people say anxious when they mean eager. Or pedants who’ve begrudgingly accepted that people now graduate college instead of (correctly) graduating from college.

Words change. It’s a thing. It’s called semantic shift, and it happens for many reasons. There are four kinds of shift: broadening, becoming more inclusive; narrowing, becoming less inclusive; amelioration, an upgrade in the status of the word, and pejoration, the downgrade in the meaning of a word.

We’re all aware of the annoying change in the meaning of the word literally. Nice used to mean silly and foolish, awful meant full of awe, and fizzle was the stealthy passing of gas. Listen to an old song and you’ll know the metamorphosis of the word gay.

The gentle transformation of a word’s meaning is one thing, but a heavy-handed, clumsy, forced change of the word itself is another thing. In other words, keep your hands off amen!

Recently, the representative from Missouri’s 5th Congressional District closed his prayer at the year’s new session of Congress by saying, “Amen and Awoman.”

I don’t know his motivation but he was correcting a problem that doesn’t exist. The value and contributions of women are not otherwise slighted if you let your amen be amen. Amen is not a gendered word. Amen is derived from the Hebrew āmēn, which means certainty or truth. It is found in the Hebrew Bible, and in both the Old and New Testament. It’s a universal term of agreement, even if you remove any religious context from it.

Randomly through translation to English, a group of letters were arranged to form amen. Gender is not implied and shouldn’t be inferred. Will we assign another meaning to mandate or mental or manatee or amendment? Should we start playing anagrams with our language?

Unlike congressperson, amen has no bearing on gender, and this congressman isn’t righting a previous wrong. He didn’t begin a semantic shift. He butchered a lovely word, rich in meaning and history. As a woman going through menopause I’m not offended by the use of the gender neutral words but by the mendacious manipulation of letters to fix a phantom offense.

Some words are cross cultural and moved unchanged from language to language. Amen, along with ok and huh, is one of the most widely known and unaltered words in the world.

In Arabic, you’d say amin. And in Finnish you’d say aamen. The biggest variation comes from the Portuguese, known for their hair-pulling irregular verbs: um homen. Close enough.

My history with amen comes in the form of a song, aptly named Amen, that was widely introduced to the world in 1963 by Sidney Poitier in the movie Lilies of the Field. It’s such a great movie. It was always on TV around Easter when I was growing up

Poitier plays Homer Smith, a “life-loving ex GI who one day encounters five nuns escaped from beyond the Berlin Wall,” according to the movie poster.

That description of the movie is like taking a picture of the Grand Canyon on your iPhone. It doesn’t capture the depth, dimensions, and curves. Homer Smith, in attempting to help some struggling nuns with chores in rural Arizona, gets lulled into the greater vision of the Mother Superior who dreams of a proper church building (or chapel) for the area’s flock of Catholics.

Homer gives English lessons to the nuns

As different as these East European devote Catholic women are from the roving, jack-of-all-trades Baptist black man, they develop a respect that crosses all these lines.

In a scene where the nuns are worshipping God with a venerable chant, Homer shows them how a Baptist worships right down to distinguishable but different pronunciation of amen. A-men, Ah-men. Tomatoes, tomahtoes.

It’s pivotal and joyful scene where the ice really begins to break in the way they see each other. There are some things universal and sacred and lovely. Amen is one of them. The song appears in the final scene of the movie too. This clip is the final scene, and you see Homer, with job well done, moving on. The movie has a last word: amen.

Poitier won the Best Actor Oscar for portraying Homer Smith, the first black man to win it. I’ve owned a VHS and DVD copy and have quoted lines many times. And sung the song.

This movie demonstrates the universality of the word. It’s a word that unites, brings agreement for peoples of many cultures and languages. We need more of that. Please, in the name of all things holy, leave amen alone. This is not a fight this word belongs in, if words mean anything.

Can I get an amen?


Life in the Time of COVID

I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived.

Willa Cather

I write down quotes I like, mostly from things I read: books, articles, daily calendars. Even from movies. I have a page in one of my notebooks of quotes from Casablanca and The Quiet Man. When I feel like getting some wisdom or humor, I look at my quotes.

The Willa Cather quote above stuck me as having significance in the COVID-19 outbreak.

While I have my criticisms of one-size-fits-all approaches and the continuous political gamesmanship over the response, no leaders knew with certainty how to manage the risks nor could they see clearly into the future. Individuals, however, have their own ways of dealing with trials. The resulting distress has been both great and minor, but I’ve found a ray of hope at my local “malt shop.”

Enter Don H. He is a local veteran and regular at the local Kewpee Hamburger Shop. He visits the restaurant every other Friday for lunch, proudly wearing his WWII veteran hat.

When you strike up a conversation with Don, or more likely him with you, you learn a few things. He was married for 64 years to his lovely wife and they had five children, and when he turns 100 he’s going to marry a 35-year-old blonde who happens to be a millionaire. (Go big or go home, right?) He’s pushing 95.

He will ask if you want to see a picture of his pride and joy and he’ll show you a wallet-sized version of this. Yeah, he’s got a dime-in ring and other pocket-sized amusements that make you roll your eyes and emit a chuckle.

While waiting for your double cheeseburger and fries, Don will tell you he served in Europe and was on a ship bound for the Pacific fighting when the Japanese heard he was coming and surrendered. You’ll discover that he was more than willing to hug the pretty girls lined up on the streets in Belgium when his truck drove by but the truck driver sped up instead. You’ll learn that he and his eight brothers served in either WWII or Korea. Only one was injured. He also has three sisters, making his a family of 14. Born in 1925, he grew up during the Depression and fought for his country. Don didn’t have the easiest of circumstances to start his life.

I hadn’t seen him since prior to the pandemic and the shut down of many restaurant dining rooms. But when I walked in to Kewpee’s last week to meet my sisters, I took a seat across the counter from Don. While he didn’t remember me, I knew I was in for some delightful if not repetitive stories from a delightful person. And I was correct thinking that my sisters would get a kick out of him too.

We didn’t talk about the pandemic. I didn’t ask if he was afraid to be mingling (though the restaurant was adhering to all mask and distancing requirements), being that he is in a high-risk category. Apparently he has lived enough in his life to determine that the world is not a particularly safe place.

Don was a contrast to the many stories of the older generation who have passed sadly without the ability to be surrounded by loved ones because of the precautions needed to protect people. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just a regrettable sorrow to have a life well lived reduced to a death filled with loneliness and confusion.

Don is a bright spot. Instead of gadget in his billfold, Don should have the quote, “I shall not die of a cold; I shall die of having lived life.” I hope that is after his second wedding. I told him that since he has such good taste in food, he’ll have no problem finding that blonde millionaire.

Kewpee Hamburger chains started in 1923 in Flint, Michigan. At its peak prior to WWII there were more than 400 restaurants. Only five remain, all in the upper Midwest. Legend has it that the shortage of beef during the war was the demise of many Kewpee shops.

My local shop has between 300-400 Kewpie dolls displayed. A regular will overlook them. A newcomer may be startled or even creeped out but will be sold by the food or the homemade shake or malt. Unfortunately the malted powder is made by Carnation (I saw the can) and not by Horlick’s, the company who put malted milk on the map and whose name is prominently bestowed upon the city, from schools to roads.

Maybe the shock of those dolls is helping keep Don going. Or maybe the restaurant’s motto really works: “Hamburg, pickle on top! Makes your heart go flippity flop.”

Willa Cather was an American novelist whose books were popular in the early 20th century. In her real life her family moved from Virginia to the plains of Nebraska. Her books O, Pioneer and My Antonia are about the pioneer lifestyle. The quote above is from Death Comes for the Archbishop, a book on my to-read list.

Bee Not Afraid

Winning the battle of bee confusion

I have shouldered a burden that gets heavy by July and is nearly unbearable as September draws near. It’s because I’m compelled to correct the incessant misnaming of all buzzing, swarming insects as bees.

To begin with, no one really likes any bugs. Ants are pesky, flies are disgusting, spiders trap and eat other bugs but frighten many people. Cockroaches; say no more. In some places mosquitoes are literally deadly as they carry malaria, and in places like Wisconsin they can spoil a well-deserved outdoor summer gathering, the kind we dream about all winter. Bees are one of the better insect species but have a negative reputation, mostly from their waspy doppelgängers.

Homemade wasp killer

If you are sitting minding your own business and a flying, buzzing insect promptly stings you, be careful not to say a bee stung you. It’s not likely, and I’ll probably correct you. And I’ll be correct 90 percent of the time. The culprit is probably a yellow jacket wasp. Bees get the bad rap for the super aggressive modus operandi of wasps. I think it’s the “yellow jacket” wasps wear, and the buzzing around that cause the confusion. Oh yeah, and the stinging.

But a honey bee will die when it stings you. And bumble bees are obsessed with pollinating. Wasps have no problem stinging with wild abandon. Perhaps because the contraption on the left is their biggest deterrent.

Bees only eat nectar and pollen and stick to the flower beds. Sometimes they drink water, and they use it to clean their hives. The Queen bee eats Royal Jelly, a sticky substance that transforms them from a normal bee to a queen. Science!

Wasps will show up uninvited at your picnic or crash your patio get together by zeroing in on your Diet Pepsi or pitcher of lemonade. Also on their menu: other insects like caterpillars and flies. They don’t mind grabbing a nibble on your bratwurst either so it’s your job to try not have a simultaneous bite. They like nectar too but they don’t stick to the flower beds like bees.

Pollinators are necessary for three-quarters of our major food crops, including fruits, vegetables, and nuts. An estimated 300,000 species of plants need pollinators. That’s around 80 to 95 percent of plant species. Other pollinators are butterflies, beetles and flies.

Wasps don’t produce wax. They chew wood pulp and make papier mache nests. That’s if they’re posh. Otherwise they burrow in the mud or a substance and become squatters. They set up nests under roofs, porches and decks, in woodpiles or yard waste. If you have an accidental encounter with a wasp’s nest they will come in force and sting you. It’s like a cartoon.

Bees create these highly complex colonies with one queen many worker bees called drones. Humans sometimes help out and then it’s called a hive which is used for to harvest honey and beeswax. Both are edible, while the wax has been used in human enterprise since prehistoric times. Hives have “densely packed matrix and hexagonal cells” and use them to “store food and house their brood of eggs, larvae, and pupae,” according to diffen.com where I got a lot of this information. Science!

Not all bees are the same. There are honey bees and bumblebees, and the bumble is a lesser species in my book. But it still doesn’t sink the the level of the wasp.

Honeybee covered in pollen

In recap, bee superiority boils down to a few things. There are the two p-words: pollinator and predator. Bees are pollinators. Bees are builders and chemists. Bees are fuzzy and cute, their many hairs collect pollen that is brought back to the hive, synthesized to protein by nurse bees who consume it and convert it for the growing larvae who need constant feeding. Every bee has a job and they are singularly focused (busy bees). They don’t have a lot of time to eat your taco dip. And finally, bees drink water, not Mountain Dew. Queen bees eat Royal Jelly. Yellow jackets eat hot dogs.

I haven’t even mentioned the nectar and the process of making honey which are unbelievably complex and fascinating. Look that up. I’m here to sing the praises of the glorious bee so people stop confusing them with their yellow jacket-wearing evil twins.

Book critic

Book shelves in coffee shops, Little Free Libraries, rummage sale that advertise books. They are hope dashers. Hopes Dashed on the Parkway. There, that’s a great name for a penny romance. I bet I can find a copy of it in the local coffee shop book shelf. It’s written by Catherine Coulter, I think. Or is it Nora Roberts.

For those of us who enjoy a nice novel, who enjoy browsing books stores and libraries, who love cracking open a lovely piece of fiction, we cringe whenever we pop open the neighbor’s Little Free Library door. Regret at the Library Door. There’s the name of another pocket book to read while walking on the treadmill at the gym.

You’ll know how to spot one of these pocket books. They are mass market paperbacks that are approximately 4×7 inches. They usually have a busy cover; warm, pastel colors; and are well worn and well loved. Based on my mother’s habits, these books were passed from friend to friend in a plastic grocery bag, read, and passed to the next friend.

Box of disappointment

My mom loved Mary Higgins Clark and probably read all 51 of her bestselling suspense novels. Not sure she bought any of them new. All were paperbacks. Do Higgins Clark or JD Robb ever get published in hardcover? They must but seeing one is a rarity. What are the steps for Nicholas Sparks to go from the supermarket shelf to the free giveaway? How many years does it take?

If you think I’m unfairly picking on the romance genre, I’ll concede that Dan Brown, Brad Thor, and Stephen King are not immune to this congenial brand of recycling. Nor are the popular series and trilogies: Hunger Games, Harry Potter, and Twilight are popular in these outlets. But even when you see them you think, “C’mon, been there done that.”

Some say publishing books wastes trees. But when you open a Little Free Library to find Moon Over Mist, Secondhand Bride, 18-year-old paperback children’s books, The Migraine Cookbook, and the copy of Dr. Spock that survived the movie Raising Arizona, you’re witnessing the worst waste of 2x4s, plexiglass, roof shingles, and anchoring cement.

All of this criticism comes from my admitted deep sense of snobbery, pretentiousness, and other keen senses that prevent me from enjoying things I deem below me. This highhandedness mostly pertains to books and food in my case. That said I don’t understand why you’d build one of these book nooks or have a bookshelf in your shop and have the most undesirable of books for people who like to read. People browsing these sites are looking for a satisfactory read, a book to add to their Goodreads list. Not a let down.

Step up your game, people. I’m not Looking for Love or Terrified in the Daylight, nor do I need Dr. Oz’s Insomniac’s Guide to Good Health. I’m not looking for Faust or Kafka; I’m looking for something good enough to give at least three stars and to recommend to my sisters.

Turd Ferguson and Abe Froman Walk into a Bar…

A stream of consciousness about the art of aliases and bowling with a free burger on the side, or the oddest book review you’ve ever read

I’m not sure what happens after Turd and Abe walk into the bar. I’m not very good at remembering or telling jokes. As good aliases, I suppose they were looking for Art Vandelay. Or the Dread Pirate Roberts, who is real only in reputation. I just like a good alias.

Urban Dictionary says Art Vandelay is an alias that can be used for almost any purpose. Most of us know it as the alias of the fictional George Costanza, the lovable “short, stocky, slow-witted bald man.” Costanza was to lying was like a marine biologist was to saving distressed whales.

So maybe the Sausage King of Chicago walked into the bar because he needed an architect. Or Turd Ferguson wanted a latex salesman. The Dread Pirate Roberts could offer some importing or exporting expertise to anyone at a barstool.

Speaking of making up names, when I was a kid out of college, I worked in the alphabet soup of the American bowling world, amateur and professional. I worked for the youth division. “The Little League of Bowling” we called it. Also housed in the famed Bowling HQ was the men’s and women’s divisions.

Bowling HQ was in a suburb of Milwaukee, down the block from one of the two famous Kopp’s Frozen Custard stands. Closer yet was one of the many many George Webb hamburger joints. There are 31 in Wisconsin. A proud sponsor of Milwaukee baseball, George Webb’s radio commercials always said, “George Webb predicts the Brewers will win 12 straight games.” Since predicting began, it happened twice. The restaurant backed up its prediction with the promise of a free hamburger.

The first time it happened was in 1987 (the second in 2018) and I went during my lunch break to get a free hamburger. It took some patience but I emerged with a free burger (I paid for my fries) and a George Webb Predicts button that a young worker gave me when I asked. Politeness. And a little female charm. I had a button collection really in need of something cool.

Though George Webb would be the name of a great alias, let’s get this story back on track.

I wrote and edited various publications at the “Little League of Bowling” and dabbled in media relations when needed. Fortunately that meant lots of travel to lots of cities hosting bowling-related tournaments. You know, the big ones with great acronyms like NJBC and NCBC (nijbic and nicbic respectively). Once in St. Louis we visited the Nabahafamu or National Bowling Hall of Fame and Museum. I was a proud member of the Bowling Writers Association of America (or bwaa) and all of the perks that came with that [insert cricket sounds]. It was an acronym-heavy industry and it produced another great one that a fellow workers once made into key chains. IOFB. The B for Bowling. The I and O for It’s Only. And you know the F-word. Saying it helped keep things in perspective when the rigors of sanctioned bowling pressed down hard. Or mostly when they took themselves too seriously.

When traipsing the country covering the sport, there were many occasions of dinner with my colleagues because us hard-boiled bowling media types needed to eat. This one guy always wanted to give tell the hostess the name for our party. It was his thing.

My Paul Molitor button

That was back before the hostess gave you the mini UFO to hold while you wait for your table. Or sent you a text informing you to rendezvous at the hostess stand when they’re ready to seat you. Back then the hostess would yell, “Smith, party of three,” and the party would present themselves and be seated.

So my colleague, who worked in the men’s division and whose name I can’t remember because it’s been so many years, would hand pick a name based on the city. In Detroit. we were the Trammells. Alan Trammell was the All Star shortstop for the Tigers. When the hostess announced, “Trammell, party of four” we followed his lead and got seated. But we also got many curious and hopeful looks by those wondering if they were lucky enough to be eating dinner with the Alan Trammells.

We were the “Molitor, party of three” once in Milwaukee. Heads did turn. I enjoyed this immensely, but I never tried it on my own because I can’t keep a straight face.

To tie this wandering story together, Abe Froman and Turd Ferguson deserve a place on a page together. They deserve to walk into a bar together. Imagine the looks.

Enter the snotty, incredulous maitre d’, saying to Ferris Buehler, “You’re Abe Froman, sausage king of Chicago?”

Wait just a moment.

Or Jerry Seinfeld saying to George, “And you want to be my latex salesman!” But Norm MacDonald playing Burt Reynolds being Turd Ferguson on Saturday Night Live was gold. I don’t get what’s funny about the name Turd Ferguson, only that the whole bit cracks me up.

Oh yeah, and read Norm Macdonald’s book, Based on a True Story. Besides throwing me down this rabbit hole of fictional aliases and bowling memories, it’s very funny and weird. It was honest and cagey and a little raw too, like the author. Oh, and without spoiling it, there’s a ghost writer who tells quite a tale. And an in-depth analysis of Macdonald’s assistant Adam Eget, who never really assisted him. How you like this book will ultimately rest on how you like Norm Macdonald.

Got a favorite alias? You should consider dining with them. Or at least their name,

The only joke I can always remember is a hilarious grammar joke. A guy goes to see a psychiatrist and all he’s wearing is cellophane wrap. The doctor looks at him and says, “Clearly, I see your nuts!”

U2 Can Enjoy the Psalms

My first dip into the Bible was Psalm 23. It starts with “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.” I discovered its comfort when I was a kid wracked with irrational fears and anxieties. Goodness and mercy following me. Restoring my soul. Not fearing. Yes, please!

Although filled with thous and shalls, the language did speak to the needs of the human and the help and comfort of God.

Not all Psalms are like the 23rd. And not all translations are the same.  Here are two of Psalm 23’s verses from the Message Bible:

“You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies.                                You revive my drooping head, my cup brims with blessing.

Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life.                                  I’m back home in the house of God for the rest of my life.”

The band U2 plays a beautiful, haunting song called 40. They close every concert with it. “I will sing, sing a new song…” It’s Psalm 40. The lead singer Bono frequently reads a passage of Psalm 116 from the Message at the beginning of concerts.

“What can I give back to God for the blessings he’s poured on me? I’ll lift high the cup of salvation – a toast to God! I’ll pray the name of God; I’ll complete what I promised God I’d do, and I’ll do it together with his people.”

I found this interview between Bono and Eugene Peterson, who paraphrased the Bible into the “accurate, but readable”  Message translation. They met at Peterson’s home in Flathead Lake, Montana in 2015.  They both share their love of the Psalms and its impact on their prayer life, artistic life, and ability to be real before God.

Peterson says as a boy of 12 he read the Psalms with confusion because his religious tradition said every word in the Bible was the word of God literally and you didn’t mess with it. But he was reading about God keeping his tears in a bottle and being a rock.

“I learned what a metaphor was not by knowing the name but just by observing the Psalms,” he said, adding that he learned “imagination was a way to get inside the truth.”

Bono knew of the Psalms as a child too but in the context of hymns in his Church of Ireland upbringing. He found “rawness and brutal honesty, explosive joy and deep sorrow and confusion.”

Peterson originally began translating the Psalms for a certain person hoping for them to realize praying isn’t necessarily being nice before God but honest, which people find a hard thing.

Dishonesty, on the other hand, in Christian art is alarming to Bono. He wants to see more vulnerability which is being porous to God, and is a good thing.

“God wants truth. It’ll set you free and blow you apart,” he said noting that he’s suspicious of Christians who lack realism in art, in life, and in music.

“Feelings are perfectly normal, and you have to let them out,” Bono said. He gave the example of David who danced naked with joy before the troops even though it irked his wife.  He thinks abandonment is an important feeling to get out.

According to Peterson finding a way to cuss without cussing is important and says the imprecatory psalms found a way to do this. He stresses the need to find “some way in context to tell people how mad we are.”

[Imprecatory psalms seek God’s righteous judgment on evildoers and seem to contradict the whole message of the Bible. Knowing the futility of judging others, you might scratch your head at the alarming requests of these psalms. But it’s a raw, honest way of asking to be delivered from evil.]

Bono isn’t disturbed at the Old Testament: “I don’t see God as a violent God but I think the world is a violent place and it does reflect that. It’s terrifying but real.”

The video of Bono and Eugene Peterson takes a little more than 20 minutes.  Below is U2 performing 40 at Red Rocks outside of Denver.

Good grief

January’s unexpected death of Kobe Bryant and his daughter in a helicopter accident brings up a lot of thoughts about unexpected deaths. Then about expected deaths. Then grief.

Lots of people died the same day as Kobe and his daughter. They will be just as missed by their families and friends. But because Kobe was a public figure, and outstanding athlete who brought joy to a lot of people with his remarkable talent, his life did stand out more in the public sphere. And so does his tragic death, on his way to coach his daughter’s basketball game, doing what he loved with one of his beloved daughters. He was thrilled to be a girldad.

My mom died unexpectedly. She was a few weeks shy of 83. She took the “easy chair way to heaven,” the simple, pain-free death. She didn’t feel good, sat down to rest, and slipped away. The medical examiner thought the heart attack probably took her right away. My dad, who died of cancer 17 years earlier at 65, suffered and fought and came to grips with his death.

I know which way I would chose to die but I know I don’t have that option. I do know that the grief for that unexpected loss of my mom was more difficult. With my father’s death, I comprehended that discordant phrase you hear at funerals, “It’s a blessing.”

Everyone deals with the grief of death, whether it’s expected or not, whether you left


Learn from others, but adjust to your needs

things unsaid, whether you have regrets. GriefShare is a network of support groups that helps survivors deal with this tricky thing. I’ve seen posters for Grief Yoga classes. People journal, people pray. People find creative outlets like making posters of things they love about the one they lost. Some doubt everything they’ve ever believed and have to make peace with the new life they have.

There are as many ways to grieve as there are people.  It, however, is not an easy undertaking and can take years or a lifetime. Grieving also takes time and there isn’t a normal timetable for it.

In 1969 Elizabeth Kubler-Ross broke into the art of grief writing On Grief and Grieving. She introduced the five stages of grief and loss: denial and isolation;  anger; bargaining;  depression;  acceptance. Grievers do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them. But the five steps brought into light a process for a task that is very important.

I sometimes accompanied my mom and grandma in the spring to the cemeteries where the family lay in rest. They’d plant flowers in May and tidy up the area. In the fall, they’d reverse the process. It was a tradition.

Some of my siblings go out to our parents’ grave and put tokens on the marker. They’ll plant and tidy up things too. And talk to them.

I know a young mother who goes to my mother-in-law’s cemetery marker and talks to her as a way of settling and comforting herself even though they aren’t related and never met.

There is one way I don’t find productive. My city has several of these homages to their

Maintained since 2014

Created in February

Almost a decade ago

dead relatives on the spot closest to where they died. These places are fastidiously and seasonally maintained.  The place where your son’s motorcycle crashed into a pole ending his troubled adulthood seems a place you come to terms with not glorify.

Bringing that grief out of the cemetery and onto the roadways for all to see seems a step beyond healthy grief. I lose the connection to a therapeutic endeavor when you memorialize the public place of death. But I admit that I could be wrong. Quite a few people do it.

Grief is complex; that’s my point. But you should do it the best way you can. It’s good for you.